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Volume:1 Issue: 6 June 2003

CIA admit war caused by spellcheck error
The CIA made a startling and unprecedented apology yesterday for accidentally providing the White House with false intelligence information regarding the existence of weapons of mass destruction (WMD) in Iraq. The spy agency attributed the error to a simple spelling mistake and is now claiming that the WMD are actually in Iran, not Iraq.

Isreali Army: Now non-lethal

Progress in Mideast as parties agree only to maim
A breakthrough was reported in Middle East peace talks this afternoon between the Israelis and the Palestinians when they agreed to stop all killings and only maim each other in the future. Ariel Sharon, the Israeli prime minister, was against the compromise initially as he thought the vicious cycles of revenge had been working well up until this point, but he was persuaded to change his mind at the last minute by a tall leggy blonde.

King set to repeat elections weekly
King calls for weekly elections as long as he keeps winning.

NASA denies dumping nuclear waste on Mars
Conspiracy theory grows as red planet gets redder.

FBI raids Sons of the Desert
Profits expected to go to the fish.

‘Corrupt’ Italian PM calls for Blix justice
Weapons inspector to clear PMs name.

Government minister resigns to spend more time with bong
Francisco Gonzales de Sol, the Spanish Minister of Fisheries & Justice, has resigned from the cabinet to spend more time with his bong in a move that has rocked the government. While leaving his office today, he vehemently dismissed any rumours of fights with fellow ministers or other conspiracy theories saying that he simply 'wanted to put in some quality time doing something that I have been neglecting for far too long'.

War against Syria ruled out on media grounds
The US has announced it will not seek support from its coalition allies to invade Damascus, following advice from CNN and Fox executives. The network chiefs are understood to have warned Pentagon officials that the ‘significant’ lack of statues to topple in live broadcasts is likely to detract from any interest in a possible war.

Fourth colour to be added to all traffic lights
The president of Namibia has ordered all traffic lights in the country to have a fourth colour added, but he has declined to offer any reasons for the change. He called on people to trust him as they would a father and that all would be revealed once all the lights had been converted to the new format. He would not say what the colour was to be either or where it would appear in the red-yellow-green order. Some sources have linked the decree to his recent fascination with peyote and absinthe.

Poll Pope
Who should be the next Pontiff?
Tony Blair
Woody Allen
George Bush Snr
Jerry Springer
Patrick Moore
Mullah Omar
Joey Deacon
Evel Knieval

(One Vote per Day)


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