Core theft to result in mass extinction

A UN report has revealed that the Earth’s molten iron core has been stolen. Geological experts from the Walter Matthau Institute for Serious Study, in Aberystwyth Wales, maintain that the dense mater was smuggled from the centre of the earth by an unnamed central African republic bent on becoming the world’s leading under-soil pipe manufacturer.

Speaking from Chad, UN special Investigations liaison officer Felix Brightfire told reporters: ‘We expect the Earth to be propelled out of its present orbit within the next two to three weeks, sending the planet spinning out of the solar system and into deep space.’

Mr Brightfire added that whilst the news might upset some people, there was an upside: ‘Only last week NASA scientists discovered that a planet-killing asteroid is hurtling toward our planet, which would annihilate all life here on Earth. Thankfully due to the lack of a core we will have already moved out of our present orbit days before it would have smashed into us.’

Religious leaders have responded to the news by asking people to remain calm and to take stock of their lives. At a hastily convened creed convention in Mongo, Chad, Chief Hopeist preacher Nwakawawa Bwambawo spoke for all religions when he said: ‘At a time like this there really is’t anything to say, other than we put all our hope in God and our trust in Hope.’

 

	World Reaction
	California, USA: It is understood that Bob Hope has responded by refusing to cancel preparations for his 101st birthday party, scheduled for next May. Fiordland National Park, New Zealand : Since news of the end of the world reached the end of the world, pre-booked sales of the Maori Bungee Jumping Experience have hit rock bottom. According to Victor Prescot: ‘No one wants to know, seems the risk’s not big enough anymore'. London, England: Commuters on the Tube welcomed the end of the world as a possible solution to overcrowding during rush hour. Paris, France: French farmers are set to conduct a series of strikes in opposition to the end of the world, starting next Tuesday. Mongo, Chad: The recently formed Chad Hard Hat Corporation has recorded record sales as demand for its protective headgear rose steeply in response to news of the apocalypse.