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Volume:1 Issue: 5 June 2003

FOX urge pentagon to start next war soon
Top television executives from 24-hour news station Fox News held a meeting yesterday with Donald Rumsfeld, the US Secretary of Defence, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) in an effort to elicit a firm commitment from the US military as to the start date of the next war.

Chad has Nuclear arsenal
The CIA has published a report claiming that the Republic of Chad has produced weapons of mass destruction. According to a CIA source, US spy satellites have spotted what looks like an underground missile launching facility in the desert outside the city of Mongo.

Queen in rage over 'ungrateful subjects'
Elizabeth apoplectic after complete lack of unquestioning respect and devout admiration.

Gregory Peck
Deadpan Pizza remembers Hollywood great Gregory Peck, and concludes that were more people like Mr Peck, there would be no reason to send them up.

Decapitation is latest 'body modification' trend
Bored teens turn to death for thrills and excitement live on the net.
Afghans & Iraqis in Hide'n'seek World Champioship Final
Pentagon officials being given daily lessons in intricacies of a child's game.

Business: Starbucks to open branches in Afghan & Iraqi mosques
The US Office for Post-Destruction Reconstruction (OPDR) in Washington DC has signed an exclusive multi-million dollar deal with Starbucks to pave the way for Muslims to enjoy Frappuccinos, Iced Teas and all new Bozaccinos as they worship Allah in the many mosques throughout Iraq and Afghanistan. Local imams have issued a fatwa against all Starbucks executives, but most of the managers are unaware of the death decree as the company has not told them, so they will be unaffected by it.

'Shoot first, ask questions later' adopted as official Pentagon policy
In an effort to tie-up all legal loopholes and technicalities that may arise from the shooting of civilians in any past, present or future wars, the Pentagon has dropped its old mantra of 'minimising collateral damage' in favour of a new 'shoot first, ask questions later' policy. George W Bush was said to be pleased as it fit neatly beside his 'wanted dead or alive' and 'axis of evil' policies, and also had that old familiar ring of Texas and the Old West.

World Health Organisation re-branded
WHO has rebranded itself following recent high levels of publicity during the Sars outbreak. The renowned organisation has taken a leaf out of Prince’s book by now referring to itself as a symbol. Now officially known as ? the organisation feels it will be better equipped to spread its advice on health matters throughout the world.

Coming Next Week...


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