Chad: Special Report
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Recent History

Chad has been ravaged by war, famine and plagues of locus in recent years, however, mid-way through 2003, prospects are looking brighter for this republic from the heart of African. In January 2002 after years of fighting, a peace agreement was eventually signed between warring rebels and the N'Djamena-based government, and the nation celebrated by farming and brewing beer - both national hobbies.

The changing tides of fortune have been kind to Chad. In 2000, oil was discovered by an over enthusiastic farmer while digging a well, during a drought. Oil put Chad in the limelight, and soon its position on the globe was being taught in every Texas high school. The resulting clamour for international contracts were far from painful.

Since US investment in two oil fields to the south of the country, Chad’s prime minister Haroun Kabadi responded to new-found wealth by issuing dictates designed to better protect the country.

In January 2003, the prime minister announced the formation of Chad’s first navy, comprising three frigates and a heavily armed tug, which patrols the waters of Lake Chad. Whilst many commentators scoffed at the idea of a land-locked country having a navy, the smile was wiped off their faces when Mr Kabadi declared war on Austria.

Speaking from Mongo, the prime minister announced that the Chadian navy was being transported to Lake Geneva for a showdown.

To date, no naval vessels have left Chad as the Austrians are reluctant to provide Chadian military personnel with the required boating visas to sail on Lake Geneva.

Chad Today
Chad today is probably as peaceful, prosperous and as a result happier than at any time since it threw off the shackles of Parisian imperialist rule in 1960. Since ridding itself of its colonial chief, it has been in a sorry state of affairs, although things are looking up, as the following snippets of life in modern Chad show:

Transport: On the right tracks
Minister of Transport Idriss Bawayeu proudly unveiled the official timetable for all rail travel, last night. He declared: ‘Despite having no railway infrastructure, I can say to you all that we are prepared for the advent of rail travel. Unlike other nations such as the UK, which is notorious for poor service, our trains will always run on time.’

Plans to build a railway have been put of hold until a valid reason can be found.

Business: Taking stock
Shares in Chad Fags, the cigarette of choice for lovers of pungent tobacco produce, has risen ten-fold in recent months. According to foreign minister Mahamat Annadif, speaking from Mongo, Chadians have the USA to thank for the increase in sales of cigarettes: ‘Since the Florida incident in the United States, when the great republic took a leaf out of the book of African politics and elected a man who failed to win the majority of voters’ support, Chad has been on the lips of many Americans. As a result American children now learn about the whereabouts of Africa and our fair republic.

‘We have won oil contracts from USA companies, and due to America’s love of invading foreign countries, we are all nervous that we may be next. After all, we have several airstrips which they could bomb, even if they do lack tarmac.
The result is Chadians here in Mongo, and elsewhere fear an invasion and are therefore smoking most heavily.’ Archaeologists are believed to be tunnelling for more oil.

Sport: Going for glory
History was made last week when a strong breeze blew the ball into the opposition’s net during a game of association football. It was the first time ever that a team had scored in a game of paraplegic soccer, and it was Chad who reaped the benefit of the mini-whirlwind, beating Sudan 1-0.

 

	Chad Factoids
	Location: Africa Population: 9,000,001 Area comparative: Larger than California, smaller than Africa. Natural resources: Oil, Fish (from Lake Chad), uranium, sand, locusts. Major Export : Sand Bags Major religions: Muslim 51%, Christian 35%, Animist 7%, Hopeism 7% National holidays: Independence Day, 11 August (1960), when it rains, Bob's Birthday Flag description: Most beautiful Miscellaneous: Chad has more grains of sand to a square mile than any other African nation. Chadian beer is an aphrodisiac. President Bush has never visited Chad. French, along with Arabic and Sara (in the south), is the national tongue. The French are actually popular in Chad. Chad is also known as Tchad (to confuse its enemies). Bob Hope is revered as a god in Chad. The Road to Chad was filmed in Syria.