Evil Seeking Missile

Pentagon to excavate all Iraqi deserts in search for WMD

After failing to find any conclusive evidence of WMD at the 100 or so sites that the Pentagon and CIA assured the world contained them before the war, coalition forces are to begin excavating all of the deserts in Iraq to a depth of five metres.

The area to be covered is roughly the size of Romania, but Pentagon planners are detrmined to find a justification for their slaughter of innocents no matter what it takes.

Some of the funds designated for the reconstruction of Iraq are to be diverted to the project for the further destruction of Iraq which has been called: "Operation Total Excavation". The Pentagon said that it would not have time to stop and catalogue any mass graves that it may stumble across in the process as the troops can not stay in the country for any longer than 20 years or so.

Military planners are still discussing options for storage of the sand with one plan calling for the entire nation of Kuwait to be covered to a depth of 15 metres. The sand would be sold back to the Iraqis at a later date as one official explained: "It can only be a good thing in helping to open up trade relations in the region following years of sanctions."

However, some officials at the Department for Homeland Security in Washington DC have called for the sand to be shipped back to the US on top of the tankers carrying the free Iraqi oil. They said they would use it to fill sandbags to surround every major airport, power station and skyscraper in the US to protect them from attack by al-Queda.

But a secret source in the White House assured us that the sand was headed for the oilfields of Alaska where it would be used to make the Texas oilmen and friends of the Bush family feel more at home in "a simulated arctic desert environment".

The Pentagon stressed that they would have no time for archaeologists with their petty concerns and that soldiers have been issued with orders to shoot on sight anyone found wandering through the desert with chisels.

US to implement gun ban in Iraq
The interim US administration in Baghdad announced a gun amnesty yesterday before a total ban is implemented next week in an effort to stamp-out the lawlessness that now pervades the streets of all major towns and cities here.

Iraqis will be urged to turn in all handguns, machine guns, rocket-propelled grenades, and any extra tanks or anti-aircraft artillery pieces that may have been overlooked during the coalition's initial searches.

A Pentagon spokesman explained: "The security situation has deteriorated to such an extent that there's folks out there with all sortsa' mass weaponry and they're not hesitatin' in usin' it. I mean it'd be insane to just let people run around the streets with sub-machine guns and semi-automatics, so we really got no choice but to outlaw 'em."

When a reporter pointed out that no such similar ban exists in much of the US, the spokesman responded by saying: "Well, see that there's a diff'rent situation. On the mean streets on Philly or Detroit, that's about protection, self-defence. I mean, it's a constitutional thing, it's about freedom...of course, this here's about freedom too, this Iraqi thing, but they're clearly diff'rent situations, totally diff'rent ball-games. I think you know what I mean."

When reporters assured him that they had no idea what he meant, the military's spokesman responded in textbook fashion: "Ladies and gentlemen, this press conference is over."

Coalition considering implementing Sharia law to deter looters
Reports have emerged from CENTCOM in Doha that the coalition is considering observing local traditions by implementing a particularly severe form of Sharia law to control looters. If the plans are carried through, all thieves are liable to have their hands amputated on the spot without anaesthetics and all liars will have their tongues cut out. Streakers will lose a testicle or a tit.

A Pentagon spokesman refused to comment, but a US marine all but confirmed the rumours when he said: “We’re just tryin’ to observe Islamic customs, and plus we’re sick’n’tired of these little mutha’fuckas running all over the place stealing everything they can lay their grubby little hands on.” The law may be extended at some stage in the near future to cover all non-American adulterers, who will be summarily executed on the scantest of evidence from the perceived victim's family.

13 April 2003

US claims squatters rights in Baghdad
US troops have claimed squatters rights in an attempt to counter any international call for coalition troops to withdraw from Iraq. The troops are acting on orders from president Bush, who is furious at attempts by the French and the Russians to place control of Iraq in the international community’s hands. Speaking from the White House president Bush told reporters: “The UN want to usurp the coalition. They didn’t have the guts to help us get rid of Saddam, they didn’t support us in our actions. Now they want to take all the glory.”
President Bush added: “Not that this is about glory, it’s about doing what’s right for the majority of people in Iraq, and as we calculate the majority of people in the region to be US troops that means us.”

Coalition double trouble mystery
Army chiefs fear that a number of heavily armed and heavily moustachioed spies sent to Baghdad to track down and assassinate Saddam’s doubles have defected. A Pentagon source revealed that the secret service believes the undercover soldiers may have responded poorly to their training regime, which was held at a secret location in Toledo, Ohio, and defected. Speaking to reporters from Central Command in Qatar, General Bing Frezno stated: “There is no truth in the story that any Coalition special forces have gone AWOL. I can also confirm that there is no such thing as Operation Double Agent, and that these brave soldiers were sent to Baghdad to assassinate Saddam’s mimics or clones, if that is who they are. Gen. Frezno added: “But know this, if any of Saddam’s doubles are listening to this statement, we will get you. You cannot hide. Our boys are on your trail, even if I cannot confirm that they exist.”

03 April 2003

Sharp increase in ‘unfriendly fire’ incidents
There were reports from the frontline that incidents of unfriendly fire had risen by over 10,000% in the past few days. The situation has seemingly become more complex now that the other side has started firing too, as Sgt Plonkowski of the US Marines explained: “Before we knew where the fire would be coming from – our troops behind or our planes overhead – but now we have no idea which side it might be coming from.”
Commanders at Centcom in Qatar warned that there was a risk that deaths due to unfriendly fire may soon surpass those caused by friendly fire, but they would be doing their best to see that such a thing did not happen.

US to clone Bush in efficiency drive
The Pentagon has responded to Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak’s statement that the war will ‘create 100 new bin Ladens’ by revealing plans to produce 100 clones of George W Bush, two for each US state. Pentagon spokesman Captain Mike Q Watts told reporters: ‘Each state will have a couple of George Ws and we propose to assess the performance of each and every cloned Bush, along with the real George W. The one who is deemed to have undertaken his duties the best will get to operate from the White House.’

Captain Watts explained that the spare clone will have a roving role in developing US relationships with other countries. The foreign affairs presidential clone be twinned with Tony Blair to avoid the need for any president George W Bush to ever leave America’s shores. Captain Watts confirmed that if Mr Blair’s efforts in promoting the US to foreign countries prove highly successful he may get to operate from the White House. ‘That’s what democracy’s all about,’ he declared.

Embedded reporters hindering propaganda efforts
CIA and MI6 chiefs have complained that they are having extreme difficulty in spreading false information due to the high numbers of forces embedded with frontline forces. They have also protested that the internet is beyond their control and they want it turned off for the duration of the war. An unidentified CIA officer said: ‘Sure we had some success getting all that stuff on weapons of mass destruction broadcast, but the main TV stations are refusing to air some of the best black propaganda – the really dark and twisted stuff that we have taken the time to invent.’ There were veiled hints of contingency plans to assassinate top TV executives if they did not immediately withdraw embedded reporters from the field and agree to clear all stories in advance with CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

Iraq has weapons of mass reduction
The discovery of a container full of super-guns capable of inflicting terrible biological injuries on coalition soldiers has been discovered in barracks, just outside Bazra. Speaking about the findings from Washington, Lt. Colonel Bill Jackson stated: ‘Upon impact, a round fired from the super-gun attacks human tissue, bone and other matter, reducing the body weight of the victim by up to 50 per cent.’ Within an hour of Lt. Colonel Jackson’s statement being made the US Department of Defense received an estimated 50,000 enquiries about joining the army. Following a few standard questions, Defense staff believe most inquiries were made by people with weight problems.

Bush seen in four states in one day
Rumours swept Washington yesterday that President Bush may be using the same ruse as Saddam Hussein by employing body doubles to confuse potential assassins. Bush was allegedly seen in four cities at roughly the same time last Tuesday: frolicking with dogs on the front lawn of the White House, rallying troops in Camp Pendleton in California, posing for pictures shooting cows on his ranch in Texas and sniffing coke in the toilets of a casino in Reno.

The White House dismissed the allegations as ludicrous, but did say that Vice President Cheney’s wife had a double for some reason. Dr Li Kong, the self-styled ‘Surgeon to the Stars’, issued a press release from his Hollywood office denying that he had performed plastic surgery on one of the doubles even though no one had asked him.
Cliché Society claims moral high ground over Iraq

Media accused of not letting sleeping dogs lie
The International Cliché Society’s headquarters in Zurich has launched a blistering attack on world media over coverage of the Iraqi War. Society secretary Hans Zimmerman is incensed that treasured clichés are being bandied about on prime time television, with little respect shown to their advanced age: ‘The world’s media is being disrespectful to these old chestnuts by packing their reports with tired and hackneyed phrases. It is not right for CNN, Sky, FOX or the BBC to comment repeatedly about “hearts and minds”, neither is it apt that they speaks about “doves and hawks”, “shock and awe” and other such expressions repetitively. Surely there’s another way for them to report what’s happening?’
The ICS maintains that the world’s media is just jumping on the bandwagon rather than utilising its vast resources to employ broadcasters who are capable of applying an element of originality to their missives.

Speaking on behalf of the world’s media, top broadcaster Harry Hyson refuted the ICS’s claims: ‘It’s ridiculous, let’s not beat around the bush here, this is the voice of jealousy speaking, in stereo. The ICS doesn’t have a monopoly on lazy English. We can use what ever words and phrases we choose to, regardless of how many times they are used in connection with the war in Iraq.’

Saddam successor named on reality TV show
Media mogul Rupert Murdock has announced that the man who replaces Saddam Hussein as Iraqi leader will be selected live on television, following his participation in a talent contest. The game show, provisionally titled Peace Idols, will see seven wannabe presidents battled it out for the top prize of leading the nation into a new era of peace.

The contest, shown each night on prime time television, will see the contestants undertake a number of tasks designed to test their mental, moral and physical abilities. Speaking on behalf of Mr Murdock, Debbie Yaeger explained: ‘Obviously we aren’t going to give any prior knowledge of the challenges facing the contestants, but suffice to say the victor will be someone whose loyalty to Iraq and its main benefactor, the US, will shine through.’

Fending off criticism that the show makes a mockery of such an important process, Ms Yaeger said: ‘Look, it mightn’t be ideal, but consider this; the alternative is to go through the UN, which will mean waiting at least a decade before a president is installed. Also, there is the ratings issue. This show will make us and, via taxes, the US government a pot full of money, far more than any Iraqi oil would.’ Ms Yaeger also confirmed that anyone is free to apply to enter the contest, so long as they have no links with terrorism, or have at any time worked as a Saddam double.

Chaplain forced to reverse voodoo blessing on tanks
The US Army’s Third division has suffered severe mechanical difficulties and relatively high battlefield losses due to a chaplain blessing the tanks using voodoo charms instead of the standard-issue Holy Water. Commanders learned belatedly that Sergeant Reverend Duncan Doosebury, the division’s chaplain, had undergone a religious enlightenment the night before the offensive was launched and had blessed the tanks in a short voodoo ceremony the morning after. Sgt Rev Doosebury said: ‘They never told me I couldn’t switch religions if that’s what my heart or wallet told me to do. Besides I don’t see how any Holy Water’s gonna help – tastes just the same as regular water to me.’

Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and friends to form ‘Mongering Club’
US Secreatry of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and his underling Paul Wolfowitz have posted notices on bulletin boards in both the White House and the Pentagon announcing the establishment of a new Mongering Club. Although the notice says that the club is for hobbyists only, in reality it is thought to be part of complex political manoeuvring to end the domination of the three traditionally powerful clubs: Bible Study, Dungeons & Dragons and Trekkies. A spokesman for the new group denied that it would be set up exclusively to monger war by pointing out that it would also be mongering money, power and immortality. The response so far has been overwhelming with over three-quarters of staff at both institutions expressing a strong interest in joining.

Spin chiefs wage war of words
Gulf War II took an unexpected turn last night when Aziz Kazaam, Iraqi minister of truth, responded to US claims that the coalition is the best, in the right and, perhaps more damagingly, that Saddam eats small children for breakfast. Branding the White House statements as ‘scurrilous’, bin Kazaam ranted: ‘The US and its henchmen are evil. Children, young people, watch television. They see these things they say. Do we want children to hear such lies, to grow up thinking such things are okay? To think it is fine tell fibs?’ The minister added: ‘Iraq does not need to resort to lies to prove we are the best and righteous. We have had sand storms on our side, blown by the lips of Allah and other such devices. Incidentally, we have no comment on the dietary behaviour of the president. The fact that the blood of infants does indeed serve as a tonic, maturing and strengthening the healthy moustache is irrelevant.’

Soylent green found in UN aid package
Traces of illegal foodstuff soylent green have been discovered in aid packages sent to Iraq. The offending items are believed to be a form of hamburger included in the food packages. In a statement to the press UN International Aid Secretary Pedro Valesquez explained that only packages originating from a factory near Las Vegas, Nevada, are believed to contain the matter which has been labelled “manburgers”: ‘We have isolated the offending matter, and have identified the source of this atrocity.’

Although Senor Valesquez refused to be drawn on the exact source of the soylent green, Deadpan Pizza has discovered that the FBI have arrested Gio Cascio of The Reno Food and Packaging Corporation, in connection with the disappearance of several leading Italian American families from Las Vegas, New York and Miami. Mr Cascio’s outfit have previously been awarded the contract to provide hamburgers for the Red Cross Packages.

Mohammed Ali to fight Chemical Ali
Deadpan Pizza has learned that three-times World Heavyweight Champion Mohammed Ali is training for a one off comeback fight. The ‘Louisville Lip’ is believed to have Chemical Ali, Saddam’s evil henchman, in his sights as he objects to the similarities between their names. Speaking from his training camp Mohammed Ali told reporters: ‘Chemical Ali’s a bum and he’s gonna fall. If I hit him in Baghdad, he’s gonna land in Mosul.’

School kids in detention squabble
A group of school children given six hours of detentions for participating in anti-war demonstrations are demanding more time to complete their punishment. Spokespupil Emily Cannard explained: ‘Six hours is just not long enough time to allow us to properly undertake this detention, we need more time. I suggest that the six hour period be spread out over several months with a series of two minutes detentions held every Wednesday afternoon.’

Members of the General Echelon of School Teachers And Public Officials (GESTAPO), the international body of unions set up to discuss this issue, has dismissed this option. Citizen Damian Flute of GESTAPO explained the thinking behind this decision: ‘No one wants to see a detention, but there comes a point when it’s necessary and correct to persevere in the name of what is good and right. Further delays can only exacerbate the problem.’
Citizen Flute added: ‘What these pupils don’t consider are those in the vicinity of the action whose lives and livelihoods are adversely affected. Caretakers, cleaners and so on are all prevented from going about their business. This is horrific, and explains why action should happen now.’

Bob Hope: ‘Let me at ‘em’
Just weeks short of celebrating his 100th birthday veteran comedian Bob Hope has been drafted in to entertain troops in the Gulf. US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the main showbiz event of the Middle East at a press conference in Washington: ‘Class acts are hard to come by. Jackie Gleason, George Burns and Groucho Marx are no longer with us and the Three Stooges are too busy trying to prevent a war from their base in Old Europe. As such, we are delighted to have Bob Hope on board. Bob's a seasoned campaigner, which is handy as although we have planned a short campaign, who knows how many encores he will be required to make.' Asked whether Mr Hope would be singing his signature tune, a colleague at Hope Enterprises said: ‘Given what we already know about Gulf War syndrome, I'm not sure singing 'Thanks for the Memory' is such a good idea, do you?’

Lawyers sent to Iraq as ‘human shields’
Coalition governments have announced plans to sent laywers to Baghdad for use by the Republican Guard as ‘human shields’. The plan is designed to enhance support for further attacks on the Iraqi capital among the anti-war contingent in the USA, the UK, Spain, and Australia. It is also intended to weaken the fabric of support for Saddam Hussein from within his stronghold.

All lawyers are expected to be rounded up, have bull-eyes painted on their backs, and be flown over to Iraq in Hercules and B10 bombers. They will then parachute into Baghdad.
US defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld unveiled the plan at his daily briefing from Washington. He also told reporters that the plan was initially to include the export of dentists ‘however, being sadists we feared they would enjoy the trip a little too much.’

France may use veto against itself
France is planning to use its UN Security Council veto unless TV network chiefs remove all war films from their schedules. The European republic has also hinted that it may also use the veto unless all fighting in schoolyards around the free world ceases. Responding to tough questioning at yesterday’s UN press conference Jacques Chirac, the French president, stated: ‘This is not a threat, if it were we would have to use the veto against ourselves.’