FOX
News urges Pentagon to begin next war soon
Top
television executives from 24-hour news station Fox held a meeting
yesterday with Donald Rumsfeld, the US Secretary of Defence,
and the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) in an effort to elicit a
firm commitment from the US military as to the start date of
the next war. Fox and the other networks have been forced into
such desperate measures after suffering plummeting ratings following
the end of the War on Iraq with its eye-catching images of large
exploding fireballs and crumpled bloodied corpses.
The TV executives were said to be asking the Pentagon to establish
a more predictable rotation of wars with a six-week cycle of
war/peace/war/peace, so that they can arrange their viewing
schedules more effectively. This pattern would suit both sides
as it would allow time for a quick post-war wrap-up that would
not have time to dwell on any possible mistakes or crimes against
humanity commited during the campaign. This lack of analysis
could then be followed by a rapid escalation of hyperbole and
exaggeration in the build-up to the launch of the next conflict
before too many awkward questions could be asked.
The TV stations are also believed to be seeking permission to
deploy their own battalions of 'ultra-embedded reporters' -
who would be armed with their own guns, armoured personnel carriers,
tanks and helicopters - so that the film crews and reporters
can get even closer to the action in future conflicts by actually
participating in them. CNN is reported to have commissioned
its own aircraft carrier last week to give the 'ultra-embeds'
extra muscle and mobility when needed. The Pentagon agreed to
the plan after the broadcasters said that in exchange they would
not ask any difficult questions at press conferences.
As one TV executive said: 'It's a win-win situation all round
as we get better shots and more tragic stories, and they get
to continue their campaign of naked imperialist aggression against
small, virtually defenceless nations.'
Most points on the agenda were agreed at the meeting, including
the target and starting date for the next war, but small details
regarding product-placement and image rights are thought to
be holding-up full scale deployment of troops. Microsoft are
said to be complicating the product-placement deal by insisting
that a small, slanted window logo appear somewhere on all troops
and equipment used by both sides in any future wars.
As one unnamed Pentagon source said: 'We've got all the pertinent
points agreed to everyone's satisfaction and now it's only a
few technical details and a couple of pesky peace-mongers in
the White House like Powell who are slowing down our plans for
world domination.'
Officials for the newly proposed French version of CNN protested
that they were deliberately excluded from the negotiations and,
therefore, would be at a distinct disadvantage when it came
to casting aspersions on the next campaign. Pentagon officials
agreed wholeheartedly.
