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Volume:1 Issue: 4 May 2003

Tiananmen tactics slay SARS
The Chinese government has announced it has solved the Sars crisis. According to Xing Po of the Peoples’ Interior Office, all known Sars viruses were tricked into swarming on Tiannamen Square late last night. The SARS viruses are believed to have been tricked by the military who placed a tray of glazed donuts in the Square.

Murdoch's fury at educated Fox
Sources close to the White House have admitted that the Israel Palestine road map, the American-written and Israeli-approved proposed peace plan, is full of cul-de-sacs.

Blair and Clinton plan stadium rock world tour
Record labels hail Superpower-group as key to industry revival.

Religious leaders to continue belief in God
Despite deity's mischievous persistence in non-existence.
All Iraqi deserts to be excavated
Texas construction contractor rewarded for loyal support.
US to implement gun ban in Iraq
Amnesty declared on weapons of mass destruction.

Perrier issues urgent press release: "Nothing to fear in drinking water"
The French company last night issued an urgent press release headed "For Immediate Publication" which consisted of a solitary line: "Perrier would like to assure its customers around the world that there is nothing to fear in the drinking water." The company faxed the document to all major news organisations and took the extra trouble of confirming its receipt by telephone afterwards, but then refused to elaborate or make any comment whatsoever when contacted later. There is speculation linking the incident to the marketing director's alleged recent nervous breakdown and his subsequent anthrax-induced suicide.

Scientist creates florescent green elephant and calls it Art
A Slovenian scientist created quite a stir at a gathering of eminent scholars in Zagreb yesterday - firstly when he entered the conference with three somersaults and a back flip, and secondly, when he pulled down a white sheet that had been concealing a florescent green elephant while saying: "I'd like you all to see something I made earlier in a test tube. This is Art." When asked whether he was referring to the act of creating the beast or simply to the creature's name, the scientist stuffed a sock in his mouth, started screaming and let the elephant loose on the assembled press. Three reports where killed in the incident.

Fishermen admit: "No fish in oceans for past 5 years"
People around the world were shocked to learn last week that all deep ocean fish have been extinct since 1998 and that fishermen have been using a chicken, plastic and tofu mixture as a substitute ever since. The fishermen have confessed to hiring ex-Bollywood directors and crews to enact elaborate fishing expeditions in various ports around the globe to fool the public. They were far too embarrassed to admit to their families that they were stupid enough to have fished themselves out of a living, a sentiment felt especially strongly amongst Japanese whaling crews. They have yet to explain exactly what they have been doing on the boats out there for the past few years.

Beckham did not see any hair stylists yesterday
Manchester United's football superstar and fashion icon, David Beckham, did not visit any barbers or hair stylists yesterday according to a press release from his office. However, there were rumours of a man fitting his description seen in a wig shop in Camden Town in London trying on a long blonde and black wig and a pair of silver-glitter high-heels.



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