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Tiananmen tactics slay SARS
The
Chinese government has announced it has solved the Sars crisis.
According to Xing Po of the Peoples’ Interior Office, all
known Sars viruses were tricked into swarming on Tiannamen Square
late last night. The SARS viruses are believed to have been tricked
by the military who placed a tray of glazed donuts in the Square.
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Murdoch's fury at educated Fox
Sources
close to the White House have admitted that the Israel Palestine
road map, the American-written and Israeli-approved proposed peace
plan, is full of cul-de-sacs.
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Perrier
issues urgent press release: "Nothing to fear in drinking water"
The French company last night issued an urgent press
release headed "For Immediate Publication" which consisted
of a solitary line: "Perrier would like to assure its customers
around the world that there is nothing to fear in the drinking water."
The company faxed the document to all major news organisations and
took the extra trouble of confirming its receipt by telephone afterwards,
but then refused to elaborate or make any comment whatsoever when
contacted later. There is speculation linking the incident to the
marketing director's alleged recent nervous breakdown and his subsequent
anthrax-induced suicide.
Scientist
creates florescent green elephant and calls it Art
A Slovenian scientist created quite a stir at a
gathering of eminent scholars in Zagreb yesterday - firstly when
he entered the conference with three somersaults and a back flip,
and secondly, when he pulled down a white sheet that had been
concealing a florescent green elephant while saying: "I'd
like you all to see something I made earlier in a test tube. This
is Art." When asked whether he was referring to the act of
creating the beast or simply to the creature's name, the scientist
stuffed a sock in his mouth, started screaming and let the elephant
loose on the assembled press. Three reports where killed in the
incident.
Fishermen
admit: "No fish in oceans for past 5 years"
People around the world were shocked to learn last
week that all deep ocean fish have been extinct since 1998 and
that fishermen have been using a chicken, plastic and tofu mixture
as a substitute ever since. The fishermen have confessed to hiring
ex-Bollywood directors and crews to enact elaborate fishing expeditions
in various ports around the globe to fool the public. They were
far too embarrassed to admit to their families that they were
stupid enough to have fished themselves out of a living, a sentiment
felt especially strongly amongst Japanese whaling crews. They
have yet to explain exactly what they have been doing on the boats
out there for the past few years.
Beckham
did not see any hair stylists yesterday
Manchester United's football superstar and fashion icon, David
Beckham, did not visit any barbers or hair stylists yesterday
according to a press release from his office. However, there were
rumours of a man fitting his description seen in a wig shop in
Camden Town in London trying on a long blonde and black wig and
a pair of silver-glitter high-heels.
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