US to implement gun ban in Iraq

The interim US administration in Baghdad announced a gun amnesty yesterday before a total ban is implemented next week in an effort to stamp-out the lawlessness that now pervades the streets of all major towns and cities here.

Iraqis will be urged to turn in all handguns, machine guns, rocket-propelled grenades, and any extra tanks or anti-aircraft artillery pieces that may have been overlooked during the coalition's initial searches.

A Pentagon spokesman explained: "The security situation has deteriorated to such an extent that there's folks out there with all sortsa' mass weaponry and they're not hesitatin' in usin' it. I mean it'd be insane to just let people run around the streets with sub-machine guns and semi-automatics, so we really got no choice but to outlaw 'em."

When a reporter pointed out that no such similar ban exists in much of the US, the spokesman responded by saying: "Well, see that there's a diff'rent situation. On the mean streets on Philly or Detroit, that's about protection, self-defence. I mean, it's a constitutional thing, it's about freedom...of course, this here's about freedom too, this Iraqi thing, but they're clearly diff'rent situations, totally diff'rent ball-games. I think you know what I mean."

When reporters assured him that they had no idea what he meant, the military's spokesman responded in textbook fashion: "Ladies and gentlemen, this press conference is over."