Guest Editorial: Has anyone seen the Raelians lately?

- by Dr. Ira Darymple-Schiser of the Alternative Evolution Centre at a secret location in the Nevada desert

I was sitting on the toilet the other day staring out the window when an awful thought occurred to me - one completely unrelated to my bowel movements for once.

It dawned on me that amidst all this hubbub of war and awe when we have been so engrossed in chasing the lingering shadows of "evil men" across the globe and in securing fresh new deposits of oil to fuel our suburban tanks, we may have overlooked a few small matters which had come to our attention previously.

The one particular trifling concern that was causing me most consternation as I sat on the throne that morning was that of the Raelians. I can hear what you're thinking - the Who-lians? Let me refresh your memory.

The Raelians are a small global cult of alien worshippers founded by a balding French ex-sports journalist who claimed to have an epiphany in 1973 which led him to a deep and profound belief in the tenets of free love...and led him to Canada also.

All this seemed harmless enough (the bits about humans being descended from alien clones were even quite amusing at the time), but events took an evil twist in January of this year when the cult announced that it had cloned the first humans and would soon unveil the babies to the world. No one was smiling anymore.

After that...well, we all know what happened after that - President Bush and his Pentagon chums decided that they were growing tired of the War on Terror and that they would need more oil if they wanted to have more wars that they could use to win the next election, so they started a new war for oil. And all other considerations were lost in the haze of smart bombs and the spin of 24-hour news television after that.

But in the meantime, who has been keeping an eye on our Raelian friends? Has anyone anywhere been watching what they have been doing? Has it occurred to anyone other than me that by now they may have amassed an army of clone-bots somewhere in a remote part of a desert? And that some of these clone-bots may even have come from the cells of "evil men" - perhaps even the modern Satan Osadama himself!?

I'm not offering any answers here people if that's what you're looking for - I'm just asking the question that no one else has been asking. Seriously, has anyone out there been keeping an eye on the Raelians lately? I'm sure with all these cameras, satellites and spies everywhere someone must have seen something. ”

If anyone has any kind of information at all as to what these mad bastards have been doing while we've been playing video-war games with real people as targets, please write in because I'm going to be constipated with fear until I'm sure that there are no clone-bots lurking out there. Or unnecessarily deformed babies of course.

Don't say I didn't warn you!