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NASA to
Reconfigure For Safer Ocean Exploration
In
a galactical exclusive, Deadpan Pizza has received a leaked copy
of NASA’s final report following the recent space shuttle
disaster and can reveal exclusively that the agency plans a radical
overhaul that will result in it going boldly where many have gone
before – the ocean.
NASA has concluded that the practice of perching humans atop
rockets loaded with millions of gallons of highly volatile fuel
before lighting the whole lot like a box of defective Chinese
fireworks to send it hurtling into a dark abyss at thousands
of miles per hour may not be so safe after all.
One source was quoted as saying: “Let’s face it,
there wasn’t a whole helluva lot up there anyway. I mean,
after awhile everyone was thinking, ‘What’s the
point of exploring a goddamned vacuum anyway? What are we expecting
to find – God or aliens or somethin’?’”
However, the report does not dwell too long on past mistakes
(lest lessons be learned), but instead anticipates a brighter
and wetter future of ocean exploration.
As man has been exploring the oceans for thousands of years,
the space agency expects a greatly improved accident record
and much reduced insurance costs compared with its old business
of launching tin cans into infinite spaces.
It also anticipates a much higher rate of return on its research
as the likelihood of making a discovery, or in fact of encountering
anything at all, in the oceans teeming with life is roughly
a zillion times greater when compared to doing so in the unending
emptiness of space.
The report also highlights other potential opportunities such
as turning the space station into a “free-floating ocean
base” for cruise ships to visit or taking advantage of
surplus scientific licenses to form partnerships with Japanese
whaling ventures.
One former astronaut now under psychiatric care was enthusiastic
about the changes: “There’s just a lot more stuff
down there and it’s a lot more colourful too. And you
can eat any ‘discoveries’ that turn out not to be
new. Plus there’s far less chance of being consumed in
a tremendous fireball.”
The report concludes by saying that with the awesome might of
the US military-industrial complex behind it, NASA should be
well positioned to dominate the market for ocean exploration
and to fend off competition from the likes of Jacques Costeau
Jr., David Attenborough and other wildlife documentary-makers
for years to come.
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