Tiananmen tactics slay SARS

The Chinese government has announced it has solved the SARS crisis. According to Xing Po of the Peoples’ Interior Office, all known SARS viruses were tricked into swarming on Tiananmen Square late last night.

The SARS viruses are believed to have been tricked by the military who placed a tray of glazed donuts in the Square. This attracted the SARS viruses, which got stuck to the sticky surface of the donuts. The army then drove a squadron of tanks over the donuts, leaving crushed SARS viruses in their wake.

A statement released issued by the Peoples' Party maintained: 'The might of the American donut has been vanquished, the time has now come for all corrupt Western capitalist companies to cease whoring in the Land of the Dragon.'

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien responded to the news of China’s victory by declaring that he had ordered a team of lumberjacks to roll logs through the streets of Toronto in an effort to flatten the viruses. “It’s more ecologically friendly than deploying tanks,” Mr Chretien told reporters.

 

US to lock up SARS ‘terrorists’ in Guantanamo
The United States government has unveiled plans to arrest anyone entering the country with SARS. The move, which will see victims of the deadly virus transferred to Guatanamo Bay in Cuba, is intended to prevent al-Qaeda terrorists from spreading the disease in cities such as New York and Washington.

Speaking from the White House, presidential spokesman Zach Zackerfield said: “I can confirm that we have classified SARS a potential biological weapon. As such, anyone found attempting to smuggle Sars into the United States will be detained, either until their status has been verified or they die. We’ve seen suicide bombers, what’s to say al-Qaeda won’t stop at suicide sneezers?”

The policy, which has been denoted Aggressive Gratuitous Reactionary Order (AGRO), has been criticised by the World Health Organisation. WHO told reporters: “This is irresponsible and unnecessary. Anyone visiting the States who is found to have Sars requires medical attention, not military detention.”
Since the implementation of AGRO, 77 people have been detained with suspected cases of SARS, all are aged over 80.