home - archive - about us

Volume:1 Issue: 7 July 2003

Potter drops acid & loses virginity in 6th book
Harry Potter creator, JK Rowling has revealed shocking plot details of her next book. Drunk in a London nightclub, the author let slip to our undercover reporters that the sixth Potter outing would take some evil twists and turns as Harry’s hormones begin to rage.

makes you proud

Guantanamo Six trial run on ‘justice’ grounds
The US government has denied speculation that the trial of six suspected al-Qaeda terrorists by a military tribunal is a sham, despite calling for firing squad volunteers and the building a state-of-the-art Texan style execution centre right next door to the court house.

Putin claims Chechnya's 'disappeared' are all magicians
Nation of failed illusionists responsible for international outcry.

Gay bishops plan 'wild bash' to celebrate Anglican schism
Arch Bishop's place booked for all night love in.

Battle re-enactment ends in mass slaughter...again
Celebration of war ends in tragedy.

Mysterious bald man named
The identity of an irrelevant British politician has been established

Pumpkin eats gardener
Andre Zacopanski, a 98 year-old former Olympic gold medallist, from Chernobyl, Russia, has been consumed by his prize-winning pumpkin. Mr Zacopanski is believed to have been bending over the 56lb vegetable when it’s skin cracked, a tongue-like object lashed out, grabbed the pensioner and pulled him into the body of the plant. Witnesses maintain that the old man looked perplexed as he was engorged.

Goat wins court order banning local man from all contact
Billy Gruff, a goat in a children's zoo in Auckland, New Zealand, has obtained a court protection order banning a local man from all contact following two years of constant bombardment with flowers, letters, negligees and poems. The man had recently been overheard arguing with staff that the price of his ticket to the zoo entitled him to 'interact' with the goat in any way he wanted. No one knows how Billy managed to hire a lawyer.

Nothing ever happens in Greenland
A leading environmentalist has condemned the largest non-continental island as ‘boring’. ‘Even seals find the former Danish colony dull,’ said Dr Erik Dolittle from the first annual ‘Welcome to Nuuk’ seminar. Native Inuit Indians, who had just returned from Las Vegas, were said to be furious at the meddling Doolittle.

The Name's Bond
Who should be the next Bond?
Peter Falk
Will Smith
Bob Hope
Prince William
Marilyn Manson
M Schumacher
Robert Mugabe
George Lazenby
Naomi Campbell

(One Vote per Day)


© Deadpan Pizza Corporation, part of Kimotomi Ass Industries, a subsidiary of Friendly Collections (no sum too small)
Registered in Haiti ref 343253
Registered office: 3rd hut, Top end of the Beach