Five
Tests for Prime Minister's Job
Tony Blair
and Gordon Brown agree secret plan.
British
Prime Minister Tony Blair has agreed to go head-to -head with
his arch-rival, Gordon Brown, for the leadership of the Labour
Party.
Once
firm political allies and friends, relations between the PM
and his Chancellor have become increasingly strained since their
famous Islington pact over supper decided who would lead the
party into the 1997 General Election. Differences over the Euro,
Taxation and Blair's insistence on practicing his guitar late
into the morning have dragged the relationship between the two
neighbours to a new low.
Blair
will take on Gordon Brown in a series of trials devised after
months of negotiations between their closest aides.
Headers
Almost
certainly the PM's choice, the winner will be the MP who can
keep the ball aloft the longest. Blair famously won the 1997
General Election using this tactic.
Gordon,
a Scotsman not renowned for his ball control, is not likely
to give up easily, however, and has been seen playing hacky-sack
with ex-Minister Claire Short during Parliamentary recesses.
Sums
Clearly
designed by the Chancellor's camp, the dour money-man is by
far the bookies' favourite to take this round. Ex-education
secretary, Estelle Morris, is expected to set a one hour written
test with questions ranging from advanced tax avoidance, currency
conversion and how many Special Advisors it takes to dig a hole.
Arm
Wrestling
A
straight up physical contest, best-of-three, over three days.
Wirey Blair is expected to loose out to burly Brown although
Blair has been taking tips from his redneck friend Bill Clinton,
who reportedly spends much of his spare time attending "Wrestle-Meets"
in the deep south, to meet women.
Dancing
Blair
is expected to partner with International Aid Secretary Tina
Sparkles and is taking expert tuition from all-round-entertainer
Bruce Forsyth. Brown is relying on glamour, opting instead for
Oscar winning MP Glenda Jackson, renowed for her bogo pogo out
of a locked twist.
The
contest is expected follow traditional ballroom dancing rules,
being spread over four rounds: modern latin, quickstep, polka
and freestyle.
Conkers
Many
observers already believe that the fifth and final test will
be the decider, but both contestants have reason to be confident
going into this peculiarly British round.
At
the age of 16 Blair represented Durham County in the 1969 National
Horse Chestnut Open. Blair, a cautious percentage player, was
many bookmaker's favourite until he was forced to retire injured
after a controversial trapped thumb incident during the semi-finals.
Brown
was renowned in Scotland for his Brown-Shiner, a conker reputed
to have 562 confirmed kills and a further 350 technical knock-outs.
Legend maintains that a 14 year old Brown even took on and beat,
Dougal McHardy, considered by many to be the finest Scottish
conker player of the post-war generation.
Perversely
it was the two men's great love of conkers that brought them
together, now it will most likely be their skill with the lace
and nut that will tell them apart.
