Call it what you will!

I was out and about earlier today, just as the heavens opened and the rains came down. As I’d not anticipated this I headed for the nearest phone booth, on Pershing Square to call a taxi. Typically, I found it occupied, but as it was the only non-vandalised booth around, I decided to wait.

It took a couple of minutes, but eventually the penny dropped. The guy in the booth was using a cell phone. This bum was preventing me from using a public telephone so he didn’t get wet.

I saw red. Some times in life you have to make a stand and this was one of those occasions, but being an urbane kind of a fella, I tried the diplomatic route first. When this was waved away, I kicked open the door and told this goon to get the hell out of there.

He ignored me. Big mistake.

I grabbed him by the collar and swung him round and spun him out. His cell phone went scudding across the road. Its antennae impaled a small dog that was taking a pee up against a mail box. The goon turned to face me. He was a big guy, a gorilla, tough and well-built, but I dispatched him with a karate chop to his solar plexus and he went down like Foreman in the jungle.

The booth was mine, but now I didn’t want it. I had no need to make the call as weather was the last thing on my mind. I now wanted to get even with cell phone users. I wanted to teach them some manners. It’s like you can’t cross a street without having to make way for some boob who’s misread the traffic lights because he’s gassing away on his cell phone.

They say cell phones don’t give you brain cancer, that’s a shame. However, they must rot the brain. Can anyone remember hearing a cell phone ring, loudly and irritatingly, without the recipient starting the conversation by revealing where they are at the time? They do this on trains all the time. Why?

What is it with these people?

I rampaged through the streets shouting and screaming at the thousands of gormless people who wandered past me with their cell phone pressed to their ear, oblivious to the outside world. Talking to themselves in raised voices. Then a moment of clarity hit me. I thought of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. That’s it … they’re here already!

Cell phones suck out your brains. Tomorrow, I’ll buy an axe and sort this town out.