Harry Potter drops acid & loses virginity in 6th book

Harry Potter creator, JK Rowling has revealed shocking plot details of her next book. Drunk in a London nightclub, the author let slip to our undercover reporters that the sixth Potter outing would take some evil twists and turns as Harry’s hormones begin to rage.

In the first chapter, Harry reportedly ventures beyond platform 93⁄4 at London's King's Cross train station and finds himself in the seedier back streets, where he is introduced to a fascinating new world. There he meets an evil sorcerer with heavy gold chains and dragon tattoos, who offers the young wizard liquid-LSD telling him it is a 'magic potion' that will give him undreamt of powers for only a tenner.

After Harry takes the acid, the sorcerer instructs his assistant, a tall man with an afro and a fur coat who also has a penchant for chains and tattoos, to take Harry to meet a fair English Rose, who the evil sorcerer says has powers beyond the charms of any man and who will teach the young wizard 'special new tricks with her magic box'.

As the acid begins to take effect, Harry is ushered through a dark labyrinth of corridors leading to a small room with a dirty mattress on the floor. But before he can figure out where the door is to escape, the English Rose (who it turns out is called Svetlana and is neither young nor fair) pins him to the floor and starts fiddling with his little wand, robbing the young wizard of his innocence forevermore.

Chapter two carries on in the same vein until things turn around in Chapter 87 and a happy ending finds Harry and Hermione lying embraced in post-coital bliss. But Deadpan Pizza will reveal no more for the time being so as not to spoil the book for fans of the perverted little wizard (or violate court orders obtained by the publisher of course).

Deadpan Pizza feels obligated to state that author JK Rowling has denied that she ever revealed such details to anyone and claims that she was not in London on the night in question. But as the photo to the left proves beyond doubt, our reporter did indeed speak to the author and he did have in his possession at one time a tape recording of an English woman's voice talking over loud music. We believe this irrefutable evidence speaks for itself, so we will say no more until the judge threatens to lock us up. Then we will squeal like babies.