home - archive - about us

Volume:1 Issue: 9 August 2003

Obituary: Idi Amin the killer in the kilt

Amin, 83, was born 101 years ago this year in 1925, the same year as Margaret Thatcher. After claiming to herd geese and other ‘jungle beasts’ as a young man he joined the British Armed Forces in 1946. As a soldier Amin’s zeal and character impressed the brass, the British being renowned for their ability to judge character. Even after he slaughtered a braise of locals in a dark-African skirmish, his court martial was dismissed because he was ‘a good egg’.

Following the British withdrawal from Uganda, Amin threw the considerable weight of his support behind that of Prime Minister Milton Oboto when the people of Buganda attempted a coup. Needless to say Amin weighed in, single-headedly crushing the revolt in truly revolting style. Not happy with his bloody victory, Idi KO’d Oboto in his own rumble in the jungle and set about becoming THE MAN.

In the days when Blaxploitation rooooled Hollywood, Idi set about shafting his people. First, he made indigenous whites kneel before him, then he lobbed out any Israelis found on his patch following a trip to Libya to meet new pal Colonel Gadaffi.

His reign came to an end at the end of the 1970s. Rather than being remembered as a man who sold donuts as a kid, or who British Intelligence called: 'Well-disposed to Britain: perhaps to an extent damaging to him in the African context’, will be best remembered for his deeds, for which he offered the following excuse: ‘In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.’

Since leaving Uganda, Idi toured Africa at pace before settling on Saudi Arabia as a liberal holiday resort in which to see out his days. Little did he know that he’d once more try to enthuse the West in Africa.

Amin was recently tipped to take the top job in Liberia. A waiter at the Saudi Arabian hotel where Idi resided for the past 20 years confided just prior to a fatal couscous accident: 'The President had been working out, swimming, pumping iron, and training his lungs so he can once more play his beloved bagpipes.'


Amin Factoids


IDI always wanted to visit Westminster, the seat of British politics, even when he’d grown to hate the English.

IDI loved Scotland. Why?
Scottish soldiers, pals and team mates used to whack him on the head with a hammer before rugby matches to get him really fired up.

IDI enjoyed fishing and driving his Chevy Caprice.

IDI once said:
Don't disturb the people of Uganda at night by running about shooting. Uganda is going at supersonic speed and the people must not unnecessarily be made to panic.





By Brent Rockwell



home - archive - about us

© Deadpan Pizza Corporation, part of Kimotomi Ass Industries, a subsidiary of Friendly Collections (no sum too small)
Registered in Haiti ref 343253
Registered office: 3rd hut, Top end of the Beach