Retro-cult claims apocalypse has already occurred

Members of the ZinPuk Cult of the Seven Moons have issued a statement claiming that the Earth was blown apart following a collision with seven of Jupiter’s moons. The calamity is said to have occurred on 23 June 1960.

Despite widespread ridicule from all corners of the globe it is understood that at least two groups have welcomed the news. Anglican ministers are said to be delighted with the timing of the disclosure as it makes their wrangling over gay bishops seem ‘less pathetic’.

Fox News also applauded the ZinPuk’s statement. A spokesman for the network said: ‘This is great news, with the total annihilation of everything in 1960, Kennedy couldn’t have been assassinated, Vietnam wouldn’t have happened and Elvis would still be alive. No he wouldn’t, sorry. But two out of three ain’t bad, is it?’