Chelsea to use former KGB agents as scouts

Roman Abramovich, the new Russian owner of Chelsea FC, has reportedly replaced all of the team's scouts with former KGB spies. Mr Abramovich is said to believe that their 'unique negotiating tactics' - namely threats, blackmail, kidnap, torture and assassination - would prove most effective in dealing with some of the owners of the larger European clubs. Their illegal information-gathering techniques should also prove an asset when it comes to contract talks with celebrity footballers and their agents. However, many of these same sports agents are reputed to be former KGB spies themselves, so they are already familiar with some of the more brutal tactics.