Thousands hail miracle of bleeding Ronald McDonald

Crowds crushed into a McDonald’s restaurant in Zagreb, Croatia yesterday to witness an apparent miracle in the form of a bleeding Ronald McDonald statue. The red substance was first spotted dripping from the statue’s groin area by a homeless man who had been sleeping there and having a coffee.

The tramp was immediately cured of his homelessness when a customer offered him temporary lodgings, and word quickly spread of the “McMiracle” and the mannequin’s mysterious powers. The Vatican was quick to endorse the miracle as genuine and has already initiated proceedings to have Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald’s, canonised - the first step on the road to sainthood.

Despite the general excitement surrounding the strange phenomena, sceptics amongst those dining at the fast food joint last night said that the substance appeared and tasted suspiciously like ketchup. The "extreme views" were swiftly dismissed by a McDonald’s spokesman as “heresy”.

The spokesman went on to insist that the mysterious dribble was real blood. He emphasised the fact that this was not just part of a cynical “miracle marketing” scheme run in association with the Vatican, which allegedly receives 10% of any increased profits due to the rise in customer numbers.

He also said that they were considering a new line of burgers which would be blessed and annoited with Holy Water by an in-house chaplain before being handed to customers to enjoy. They would also be flavoured with cow's blood.