Judge sentences philosopher to internal exile

Gunther von Schlashing, a professor of philosophy at Innsbruck University in Austria, has been sentenced to nine months of philosophical internal exile after attempting to create a cloned universe in his basement laboratory. The judge said he felt it was the only appropriate sentence to fit the crime, but refused to give any details of how it might be implemented.

Prof von Schlashing, who had remained calm throughout the proceedings, pleaded with the judge to sentence him to three years in solitary confinement instead, as philosophical internal exile was “a fate worse than purgatory and most of Dante’s rings.”

When the judge dismissed the appeals as amateur dramatics, Prof von Schlashing flew into a rage and had to be restrained and dragged from the courtroom. He was then severely beaten and heavily sedated for his own good.

Prof von Schlashing was later released to serve his sentence on his own recognizance.