Escalators to be Replaced by Firemen’s Poles

In an effort to increase the capacity of the city’s congested underground railway system, the mayor of Moscow yesterday announced plans to replace all escalators with firemen’s poles.

Several women fainted and most others screamed upon hearing the phrase concerning the opportunity to slide down firemen’s shafts. All were disappointed when the small misunderstanding was cleared-up just over two hours later.

Officials admit that the new scheme is likely to result in an increase in severe and even fatal injuries for some, but insist that it will speed access for most.