US to Build Evil-Seeking Missile
The US has
established a programme to build a new evil-seeking missile
for use in the War on Terror. American scientists, missile designers,
theologians and philosophers are reputedly hard at work on the
project in a top-secret base in the Nevada desert, just close
enough to Las Vegas for them to let off a little steam once
in awhile.
The team
includes experts on every major weapons programme dating back
to World War Two, and advisors with spiritual and existential
wisdom going back almost as far.
Some of
the team worked on the recent successful bunker-buster bombs,
which were used to great effect against empty caves in Afghanistan.
However, this time the US will be going after evil men instead
of the caves that they once may or may not have inhabited.
The missiles
will have advanced laser, radar and camera sensors to detect
different levels of evil. These levels have been pre-determined
by a joint CIA-NSA-Delta Force committee with a little input
from the philosophers and theologians.
There have
been reports of technical difficulties in the first test-firings
with one in particular being attributed to “a wild night
in Vegas” by a source who preferred to remain nameless.
In a separate
test one of the missiles allegedly rounded on the launch site
and killed one of the most eminent scientists, who had neglected
to inform his colleagues of the full and gruesome details of
his Nazi past. As a result, Bush, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and the
Joint Chiefs of Staff have politely declined invitations to
witness the next test.
The Pentagon
has denied the existence of such a programmeand a military spokesman
has refuted allegations that the $37bn budget for the “black
programme” was concealed from Congress in the usual manner
of a series of amendments to health, education and environment
bills.
Upon completion
of the test project, a few of the evil-seeking missiles will
be launched at each country in the hopes of eliminating Osama
Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Mullah Omar, Colonel Gaddafi, Kim
Jong-Il, Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore and others who the US considers
to be evil.
