The Deadpan Debate: The UN
The
Case for by Rolly Pickens, Black Cab Driver, London,
England
Get rid
of it, bloody idiots. I mean they couldn’t organise a
piss up in a brewery, although how much that’s down with
the ‘water’ they are constantly slinging down their
necks is another matter. Water? Yeah, I’ve had those Russians
in the back of my cab and I tell you what, if I slugged back
this type of ‘water’, I’d be all over the
road. No wonder the UN’s in such a state.
And what’s this Security Council all about anyway? It’s
not very secure or secret. Don’t they realise they’ve
got cameras in the room, watching and listening in on all their
gab? And Christ do they gab on. Talk, talk, talk, no wonder
they’ve all got to wear hearing aids, ‘arf of ‘em
can hardly speak English, and those that can haven’t got
nothin’ new to say. It’s like picking up a fare
from Heathrow Airport.
I tell you the UN just ain’t working. All they do is argue,
Jesus they’re like Brittany and Shane, me two nippers,
all they do is yell at each other. At least when the kids get
going I stick boxing gloves on ‘em and tell ‘em
to sort it out in a civilised manner. Of course, you’d
never get that at the UN. No, not while the Yanks have got that
Vietnam veteran in their corner. I wouldn’t fancy the
French bloke’s chance! For a start, he’s got a girl’s
name.
No, mate, UN? More like UNworkable. They should pack it in,
go home and watch it all on the telly, that’s what I’d
do if I was in the UN.
The
case against by Tommy
Damasiano, janitor at NYC HQ
The number
one reason we can’t un-UN the UN is coz you gotta thinka’
the opposite, right? Wha’d’y’got if y’ain’t
got the United Nations? Think about it now fruit cake…the
Disunited Nations of course. Simple as that. Bada bing!
But besides all the deep political reasons outlined above, the
number one reason y’can’t un-UN the UN is coz of the
jobs. You gotta save the good people’s jobs, right? I mean
the UN has worked hard for over 50 years to build the massive
sprawling bureaucracy that it is today employing…well, no
one knows exactly how many people work for the UN anymore…and
y’can’t just undo all that effort at a stroke.
But while it may be humongous, they’ve managed to keep the
family feel by employing uncles, cousins, mistresses and the like.
Any place that’s run on the trust of the family is all right
by me. You don’t seriously think those people are just gonna
give up their jobs without a fight, d’you?
I mean where else you gonna be able to earn a first world salary
in a third world country? People like me are all right of course
coz we got solid skills, but what are the rest of them suckers
gonna do? I’ll tell you what they’re gonna do.
The rich ones gonna become lawyers, consultants or politicians
and, I think we can all agree, that’s the last thing this
world needs now. The really specialised ones like the Swahili
translators and administrative ones are gonna be unemployable
coz they only got the job coz they’re related in the first
place. They’re all gonna head straight for the welfare queues.
‘Course there’s other problems too…like who’s
gonna wanna buy a skyscraper in New York that presents such a
wide and shiny target after 9/11? And where are people like Castro
and Krushchev gonna go when they have a new outfit to wear or
just wanna let off a little steam?
And then there’s all that food, medicine, education and
peace stuff too I ‘spose.
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