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Volume:1 Issue: 2 Apr 2003
reality not real I will polute your dreams


Murder suspect believes he’s on Candid Camera TV show

A Spanish backpacker arrested in Uzbekistan on suspicion of murder has refused all help from a lawyer or from his embassy in the mistaken belief that he is on a reality-TV candid camera show and will be released soon.


Despite the fact that he has been languishing in a damp windowless cell for over six weeks now, Miguel Franco Pendejo continues to laugh hysterically during interrogations and to look everywhere for hidden cameras, not letting the constant beatings break his high spirits.


Authorities say they are at a loss to explain why the suspect believes himself to be on TV, but they expect that news of his imminent execution may shock him back into some sort of sanity. They allege that Señor Pendejo had become mixed-up in a drug deal gone wrong, but they are also still investigating the possibility that he was a sex tourist seeking the charms of a sturdy Uzbek peasant woman to take back home with him.


Back in Bilbao, Sr Pendejo’s family have strongly refuted the suggestion that he was a sex tourist, but did admit that he had a penchant for mind-bending drugs that he may (or may not) have consumed in mass quantities in Thailand before travelling to Uzbekistan. The family are too poor to fly out, but the grandmother had just sent a package the day before containing a freshly cooked paella, bunches of bananas and grapes, two pairs of socks, a dozen eggs and three hardcore porn magazines.


A Spanish TV station has picked up on the wave of interest in the backpacker’s fate and is rumoured to be in negotiations with authorities to put cameras in Sr Pendejo’s cell and to film his execution live on satellite. The station issued the obligatory denial as they say the bribes have not yet cleared and the deal has not yet been signed.


At last report, Sr Pendejo was said to be calm and still waiting naively in the hope that there would be some sort of trial where he could dazzle the audiences back home with the eloquence of his defence. He is sadly mistaken as there is no Uzbek word for “trial” and the concept is still unknown in most parts.

By Max Ooberman

"There is no Uzbek word for “trial” and the concept is still unknown in most parts"

 

 

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